Revelations.
May. 1st, 2011 11:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thewrittenfaeSo, I was really hurt and upset yesterday because of an action that a no longer friend of mine took. To the point that I kind of collapsed in tears in my friend's arms here on campus.
And not that it doesn't still hurt because it's less than twenty-four hours later and it does, but...my good friend was kind enough to remind me that it's happened before. Exact same situation, exact same response. No business involving herself, no business getting between, but she does anyway to purposefully hurt others and draw attention to herself, to purposefully just cause more problems. In the five or so years since the first incident, nothing has changed. She's still the exact same person despite claiming to have grown and matured. Pot. Kettle.
I may have my moments of being immature, it stems from the fact that everyone is human, but also because with growing up with only adults I actually grew up faster than I probably should have, so I occasionally have moments I didn't get to have when I was a child. So sue me. That doesn't make me immature. Especially not considering the fact that I take the responsibility for my own actions every time, whether the actions were of an immature level or not, whether they have bad repercussion or not.
And I'm sorry but the whole point of having a LiveJournal account is to post what's going on in my life or how I feel about something. It's not passive aggressive, it's not petty, it's the fucking truth because it's how I feel. And yes, if I'm fighting with someone, how I feel will end up here for that person to see, but honestly, I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for anyone to side with me. I'm just looking to get how I feel out so that I can work through the tangle of emotions inside myself. I've never been good with emotions, I've always been too like my father when it comes to them, they don't make sense, they confuse me, and it just makes me angry when I feel a certain way but know logically that I shouldn't be feeling that way because there's no reason for it. It's my LiveJournal account, no one can tell me how to fucking use it and no one can punish me for using it the way I want. I refuse to let them. And I'm not going to filter it, mostly because to me, that's going behind someone's back or worse.
And not that it doesn't still hurt because it's less than twenty-four hours later and it does, but...my good friend was kind enough to remind me that it's happened before. Exact same situation, exact same response. No business involving herself, no business getting between, but she does anyway to purposefully hurt others and draw attention to herself, to purposefully just cause more problems. In the five or so years since the first incident, nothing has changed. She's still the exact same person despite claiming to have grown and matured. Pot. Kettle.
I may have my moments of being immature, it stems from the fact that everyone is human, but also because with growing up with only adults I actually grew up faster than I probably should have, so I occasionally have moments I didn't get to have when I was a child. So sue me. That doesn't make me immature. Especially not considering the fact that I take the responsibility for my own actions every time, whether the actions were of an immature level or not, whether they have bad repercussion or not.
And I'm sorry but the whole point of having a LiveJournal account is to post what's going on in my life or how I feel about something. It's not passive aggressive, it's not petty, it's the fucking truth because it's how I feel. And yes, if I'm fighting with someone, how I feel will end up here for that person to see, but honestly, I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for anyone to side with me. I'm just looking to get how I feel out so that I can work through the tangle of emotions inside myself. I've never been good with emotions, I've always been too like my father when it comes to them, they don't make sense, they confuse me, and it just makes me angry when I feel a certain way but know logically that I shouldn't be feeling that way because there's no reason for it. It's my LiveJournal account, no one can tell me how to fucking use it and no one can punish me for using it the way I want. I refuse to let them. And I'm not going to filter it, mostly because to me, that's going behind someone's back or worse.
